A Gestational Carrier’s Personal Story
Nicole Cowles is a three time gestational surrogate. Based in southern Indiana, she is carrying for a Michigan couple for the second time. Ms. Cowles is a mother of three who also works at a hospital in Louisville, Kentucky. MFA intern Parker Kehrig interviewed Ms. Cowles about her experiences with out-of-state surrogacy and why she became a surrogate. “To be so young, and hear some of those women having their fertility taken away from them was [heartbreaking,” she said. Excerpts:
Kehrig: What brought you to surrogacy initially?
Cowles: My mother was a women's health nurse practitioner. In my teens, she had taken care of a few women that had cervical adenocarcinoma. They had to have hysterectomies at a young age, and I felt so bad for them. I was only 16 at the time and I remember thinking, “Man, that's the only thing I want in life is to be a mom, I just want to be a mom.” I knew that once I finished having my own family, that was what I wanted to do. I wanted to carry for women that had the unfortunate circumstance of infertility. The first woman I carried for in 2016 is a cervical adenocarcinoma survivor. And then the second couple in Michigan, it was an issue where [the intended mother’s] lining would not build after numerous miscarriages.
How did you go about becoming a surrogate?
I had to submit an application, go through a psych evaluation, and then I was medically cleared by the clinic that the intended parents had used. It was a long process to get approved. They want to make sure of it you’re qualified and that you're going into this for the right reasons. You get matched with somebody who has like minded views, both matches I had were fantastic.
How were you matched with the intended parents?
The agency will ask questions like how many embryos you want to transfer per time, what are your beliefs on termination, what kind of couples would you want to carry for, etc. Since infertility brought me to surrogacy, that was who I wanted to carry for. And the agency had a match. In 2016. I carried for a couple in Chicago. And then 2018, I carried for a couple in Michigan. I am now pregnant with the sibling of the baby I carried in 2018.
What is it like carrying for a Michigan family, where surrogacy is considered a felony?
I couldn’t travel to Michigan for anything. Those couples spent $20,000 on making embryos, and they have to ship them out of state and hope they make it to their destination. That’s super scary, and it really just could have been avoided, had I been able to fly to Michigan and get pregnant up there. I’m currently pregnant, and I can't go up there and visit and do a fun ultrasound with them. I can't show their family, I can't be there for fun things like their son getting to touch my belly. It's only five hours away. But if I go up there and something happens. I'm technically a surrogate in Michigan. It's scary in that regard. My contract specifically says I am not allowed in the state of Michigan, the entire pregnancy.
What are your feelings about Michigan's opposition to compensated surrogacy?
Even with a flawless pregnancy, it’s still hard on you. Your body, you’re taking time away from your own children because of lifting restrictions, etc. You’re doing this to help somebody else who is in high need. Because of what surrogates go through, you deserve compensation, you are taking medication that has risks to have problems down the line. You’d never expect anybody like a teacher or a doctor, even if it's something they're good at, to go into something and not get compensated. My compensation, it paid for my college, it paid for my kids private preschool, it got me out of debt. I don't feel exploited.
You bring up exploitation, something that a lot of folks against surrogacy bring up. How do you respond to that?
With an agency and lawyers involved in a contract, exploitation is less likely. Because you have a contract drawn up prior to getting pregnant, it's very clear the way it's lined up. Prior to starting the medication, a large sum of the money had to be put into a third party escrow company that specialized in surrogacy agreements. This was to ensure things would be paid for and I would receive my compensation, it’s a measure that some states have made mandatory to reduce risk. I know personally of surrogates that have found ways to get compensated in Michigan and trust me, it is shady. People are going to do it regardless of the law. The best bet for state law is to get on board with everybody else, infertility isn't going away. Same sex marriage is legal and states that they have a right to grow their family. I feel like there's no logistical reason to criminalize people growing their family, we all grow our families in different ways. Adoption is not for everybody, there's not just babies everywhere to adopt. There are reasons people want to have a child of their own DNA, or a child from an egg donor, I just don't understand what benefit criminalizing [it] has.
What are the most memorable things about your experience as a surrogate?
When I gave birth both times, the intended parents were in the room. It was a remarkable experience to see the joy on their faces, all that pain and anguish that they had gone through was coming to an end to finally meet their baby. The financial reward was amazing. I was able to take my kids on some vacations I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to. There's a lot of good things. I have a good friendship with both couples. I’ve visited Michigan when not pregnant, to see the babies, and I'm Facebook friends with both the parents, it's really nice to see the updates. An added benefit that I don't think many know about is after you have the baby, you still make milk. I was able to be a compensated milk donor for premature infants. There's a high demand for that in NICUs right now, and it was amazing to know that it was the gift of surrogacy that would continue to be able to be given. It's changed my life. And I couldn't imagine not being able to be a surrogate.