Two Men and Three Babies: Identical triplets and a “one in a million” odds

Eric Portenga, Maureen Farris and Kevin O’Neill

Glaswegian Kevin O’Neill laughs at the cliché that he first met his future husband Eric Portenga in a Scottish whisky bar. Originally from Muskegon, Michigan Eric was doing his doctorate in Glasgow and from early on in their relationship, the couple talked of having children. Because of visa issues, Kevin and Eric decided in October 2016 to relocate back to the United States where Eric got a post doc position at the University of Michigan. Within a few months of being in Ann Arbor, Kevin became the chief administrator of the school’s Women and Gender Studies department. Once settled, the couple began seriously investigating the options around surrogacy and adoption. 

 For a number of reasons, the couple decided to pursue surrogacy. “I felt like with surrogacy, in terms of control, there were more parts we could manage,” Kevin said in a video interview. Living in Michigan, however, they knew surrogacy could be a big risk for a number of reasons, not least of which was that they were a gay couple in a state where LGBTQ couples have faced issues adopting. Earlier this year, the couple became fathers to identical triplet girls-- Parker, Robin and Sylvie-- who were born via surrogacy in Akron, Ohio. Kevin spoke with the MFA’s media consultant Ginanne Brownell about the couple’s journey to parenthood and the “one in a million” chance of getting identical triplets. EXCERPTS: 

BROWNELL: How did you start investigating surrogacy? 

O’NEILL: COVID allowed us to do research. And also we were saving money because we weren't travelling all the time, we weren't hosting parties or going out. And it gave us a gift of time to interview surrogacy agencies and just understand the roadmap because surrogacy is a very complicated process. There’s almost too much information. But at the same time the information isn’t actually always clear.  There's no way you can really go step by step or with a flowchart because everyone's situation is slightly different. We kept hitting brick walls, we didn't think we'd ever find a surrogate. It just seemed implausible that someone out there would help us. And then all of a sudden, out of the blue, one of our good friends connected us with Maureen Farris, who became our surrogate. 

How soon into your research did you see Michigan was the U.S. state equivalent of persona non grata in terms of surrogacy? 

Very early in the process. I was in a lot of support groups and Michigan often pops up as avoid, avoid, avoid, like red flags. I read some of the stories of things that have happened in the past and we just decided, “Okay, we can't do anything here, it’s too risky so Michigan's off the table.”

You’re from the U.K. where non-compensated surrogacy is legal but surrogacy contracts are unenforceable. Also, though it looks set to change in the autumn of next year, at the moment the U.K. adheres to mater semper certa est, meaning that the surrogate is considered the legal mother at birth. My husband and I therefore had to go through the courts to get a parental order.  Despite all this, did you ever think about doing surrogacy in the U.K.? 

 I listened to a couple of podcasts and interviews with [British gold medalist] Tom Daley and his husband. But I was still unsure as the contracts are actually just a bit of paper. And so that also seems hard. 

You found an egg donor, met and liked Maureen and did the embryo transfer—but how long did it take before you found out you were expecting identical triplets? 

I'll never forget when we went through the contract and it said that multiples was a less than 5% chance, and Eric and I joked like, “What if we had twins?” I was actually in Scotland when they did the transfer but I was there on FaceTime. And we got the news that the embryo was likely not viable, so I was disheartened. And Maureen took three pregnancy tests that came back negative. And then she went to take a blood test and the doctor called me in the U.K. and said, “You’re pregnant.” Six weeks later we went for the scan and the doctor said, “Oh, they have split, you are having identical twins.” It was just the best news because we wanted two kids so it was phenomenal. Five days later Maureen was having some bleeding and they did an ultrasound and the doctor said, “I think I may see a third heart or it could just be an echo.” We had to wait another two weeks to see an ultrasound specialist who went, “there is Baby A, Baby B and Baby C.” And then we had the ultrasound printed. I mean, it was a ream, it was like it was twice the length of my arms. 

Like what are the chances? 

It's really hard to find accurate statistics on it because it is so incredibly rare. And numbers I've seen go from like one in 100,000 to one in 100 million, which I actually think is way too high. We’ve just been settling on like one and a million. One of the technicians we met had been at the Cleveland Clinic for 24 years— and we were the only set of identical triplets that she's ever come across. 

Your girls were born via C-section in September—how is it going so far? As a mother of multiples, I know those early days can be rough and tough. 

You know, it's all about the preparations. Knowing that we're going to have three babies, we knew we had to be organized. We had to have the nursery ready, the bottles stations had to be set up, everything we could do we did beforehand. If I wasn’t such a planner, it could have been a disaster. We feel like sometimes we are walking a tightrope and we are just one step away from it all unravelling very quickly. A few days ago we took the girls to see some friends for a Christmas kick-off and it was the first time we had gone with them to someone’s house. And it went so well. Then when we got home, we had 10 minutes to spare before the next feed and it was frantic. And that is when I felt like we are running close to a knife’s edge. 

I think one of the biggest perceived barriers to surrogacy is the expense of it—and that it’s only available to couples of certain means who can afford it. Did you grapple with that? 

It's so expensive and I do think that middle class families, if they are sensible about their finances, can do it. But what about families that are not making a decent income? And that is what is really hard about this. I can't speak to for the U.S., but I can speak to it in terms of the U.K. with the National Health Service (NHS). Because with couples that have fertility challenges, if you have a miscarriage or if you have some other pregnancy issues and they are over a certain age, the NHS will take them on and help with a couple of rounds of IVF. That is amazing. And it begs: Why is this not standard? Why does the U.S. not have systems like that? Why are gay men not classed as having infertility challenges?  My own healthcare from the University of Michigan and Blue Cross/Blue Shield doesn't recognize me as having any fertility issues.  Yet I don’t have access to a womb and I'm not attracted to people that have wombs. So I do think I have some fertility issues. 

Considering not only the job that you have but also having gone through this whole social infertility rollercoaster do you feel like you have become more of an activist on some issues? 

With things like parental leave in the U.S., I do want to start to challenge it. It’s ensuring that paternity and maternity leave isn't just kind of black and white, which I feel it really is.  There needs to be a more niche grey area. Especially  for parents who have multiples. There should be different times off and for parents that have their babies in the NICU.  There should be different times off for parents that are suffering loss through miscarriage or anything like that. In the U.K. maternity leave is standard six months and then often six months half pay. That's great. But here [in the U.S.] it’s a minefield so that, along with surrogacy, needs reform. 

What will the holidays look like this year for you, now that you and Eric have completed your family?

We usually either spend Christmas in Scotland or in west Michigan with our families but this year will be our first time in our own house. We are so excited for our first Christmas as a family of five, plus Max our dog, and starting our own family traditions. We've already made the first one by getting a big real tree for the house which, with some help, the girls hung their first ornaments.